I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
