Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
