my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
