i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
