i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize