We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
