anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
