you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
