a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
