dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
