wrigley field is MILF paradise
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
