forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
