I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
