mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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