You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
