I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
