dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
