Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
