I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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