I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
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We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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