1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
In the future we'll all be gay
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
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