i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
