So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
