Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
