before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
