I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
