Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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