I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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