does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
