I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
