not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
