Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
