I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
