we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
