Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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