she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
