There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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