Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
