I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This is classic penis vs brain.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
