My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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