I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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