you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
