she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
