Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
