I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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