it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
