these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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