upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
