Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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