life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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