Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
