this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Barsexuality is the new black.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
