Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
