Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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