Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
