Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
