She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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