fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
