Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I puked a lego.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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