I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
