This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
