Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me I talked like a deaf person

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(703): View more from Virginia

the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow. You named your rash.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

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(850): View more from Florida

It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me

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(469): View more from Texas

In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.

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(845): View more from New York

I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.

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